Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Insults - they just don't make them as they used to

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

Update: More classic insults can be found here.

124 Comments:

Anonymous kyknoord said...

There are few things as satisfying as an articulate insult.

12:42 pm  
Anonymous xmichra said...

haha.. those are great!! I may have to steal a few...

6:49 pm  
Blogger Terri said...

Inspiring!
It kind of makes "You suck!" pale in comparison.

7:19 pm  
Blogger andrea said...

Beautiful. Thank you.

7:49 pm  
Blogger Neil said...

Let's not forget Dorothy Parker's comment on seeing Katherine Hepburn on stage: "She ran the gamut of emotions from A to B."

10:38 pm  
Blogger Rob7534 said...

My usual retort of, "your mamma!" just won't cut it anymore?

Shit.

7:09 am  
Blogger BUDDESS said...

Gosh, gonna print these and keep it in my pocket!! Never know when it comes in handy. I'm back!!! Reunion over and done with. Check out my blog when you get a chance!!

1:43 pm  
Anonymous nyasha said...

insults almost sound beautiful! your post reminded me of Hugo Chavez last week at the UN:
"The devil came here yesterday. He came here talking as if he were the owner of the world." Chavez was referring to Dubya's address at the United Nationals General Assembly. He went on to say that the podium still stank of sulphur!
(i might steal a few of yours as well!)

8:42 am  
Blogger Reluctant Nomad said...

kyknoord : I think that’s why I love reading really well-written reviews that slate a book/film/play/etc.

xmichra: Be my guest!

Terri: You suck eggs ain’t much better either, even if eggs tend to be pale. :-)

andrea: It’s a pleasure.

Neil: Had forgotten that one – I wonder why the creator of that list didn’t plunder more from D Parker? Also odd that Mae West is the only woman in that list.

Rob7534: In Cape Town, I’m fond of ‘jou ma…’ which every capetonian knows is the start of a really rude insult. But, fond of it or not, it doesn’t cut the mustard when it comes to clever insults.

BUDDESS: Welcome back, let me go have a look…

nyasha: I loved the bit about the sulphur – it added a bit of an extra oomph to his devil comment.

11:01 am  
Blogger Babsbitchin said...

Hey ol' friend, it's so good to hear from you and I'm glad you're up and running. I love quotes but these are especially good. Thanks and kisses!

2:01 pm  
Anonymous kestrien said...

Yes, but no one did insults as well as Shakespeare!

"Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!"

-Henry IV, Part 1

9:20 pm  
Anonymous Beerzie said...

These are great. Thanks.

10:05 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about ned kelly to the victorian police at his trial?
Who has no alternative, only to put up with the brutal and cowardly conduct of the parcel of big, ugly, fat necked, wombat headed, big bellied, magpie legged, narrow hipped, splay footed sons of Irish bailiffs, or English landlords which is better known as the Victoria Police?

1:39 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I wave my private parts at your antics, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters." - M. Python

6:26 am  
Blogger Reluctant Nomad said...

babs: I'm sure you could come up with some choice ones of your own!

kestrien: yes, he does seem to have the monopoly on great insults. But, then again, when it comes to quotes of any sort, he is unsurpassed.

beerzie: It's a pleasure.

anonymous: I think you need to make your own compilation! :-)

1:52 pm  
Anonymous Sam said...

Hi -

I contribute to a quiz website called Factacular (www.factacular.com) - would it be OK to use this list to make a quiz on insults (e.g. who said "He has Van Gogh's ear for music"?)

Sam

4:05 pm  
Blogger Reluctant Nomad said...

Sam, be my guest.

4:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. Everybody needs a good laugh--these are good for a few days' worth!

6:07 pm  
Blogger Rick Sparks said...

I like to tell people, "I would ask you to stay but that would keep you from gonig." Keeps 'em on their toes.

9:51 pm  
Blogger Amy said...

I'm glad to have stumbled upon this page. Thank you.

10:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I see - she's the original good time that was had by all."

- Bette Davis

(This is according to IMDB. I don't know who Bette D was referring to, quite possibly to Joan Crawford.)

10:56 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you have better attributions, ie. dates?, source documents? or are these all made up?

12:01 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't side with Chavez about our President.
YES he is a terrible President.
YES he lied about the war and many other things.
YES Chavez makes a point.

But Americans DO NOT side with foreigners on their opinions of our fellow citizens, even if we do agree with them

Havn't you ever seen the Godfather?
"Fredo, you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever."

12:26 am  
Anonymous Art Wolf said...

A most excellent read.

12:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

More Shakespeare - not exactly a one-line putdown - more like a nuclear strike: A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch; one whom I will beat into a clamorous whining, if thou deny'st the least syllable of thy addition.

12:29 am  
Anonymous Vince said...

This is beautiful, thank you.

12:30 am  
Blogger Farrel said...

I heard a great one on the BBC World Service program called "My Word." I cannot remember who they were quoting.

"He is as wet as a puddle...but not quite as deep!"

While that is high brow let me chronicle the most vulgar and disgusting insult I have ever heard. I do not post such vulgarity to the web but given that this insult's obscenity is surpassed only by its creativity I feel that it is in order to post it on a site about insults.

Heard by my friend on the streets of Cape Town, where drunkards commonly insult one another in very colorful ways albeit not quite as colorfuly as this. After a series of insult exchanges where one drunkard was one upping the other drunkard.

"Jy was deur jou Ma se gat gebore omdat haar poes to besig was"
I think I will leave this in Afrikaans, in which it sounds far more insulting. If you want the English translation then e-mail me.

12:36 am  
Anonymous john said...

Another attributed also to Winston Churchill, I believe: When he was told by a dinner companion that if he was her husband, she would poison him - to which W.C. is said to have replied 'Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it'

1:19 am  
Anonymous Steve said...

If you had two heads, you would be twice as stupid.

1:25 am  
Blogger zombie_punk_cpt said...

Anothe great W.C reply -

Lady - "Sir, you are drunk!"
W.C. - "Yes, ma'am, but in the morning I will be sobre. But you will still be ugly."

1:41 am  
Anonymous flashman said...

@ farrel: I don't mind posting obscenity, so here's a translation!

"Jy was deur jou Ma se gat gebore omdat haar poes to besig was"

"You were born from your mother's arse because her pussy was too busy."

GOLD.

1:58 am  
Anonymous Gareth Stack said...

Evelyn Waugh, on hearing that his friend had had a benign tumour removed, "It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it".

3:02 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

here is another list of great and not so insults:

01. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.- Groucho Marx
02. His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. - F. H. Bradley
03. "The stupid person's idea of a clever person." - Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley
04. Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today - Anon.
05. Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing - Anon.
06. Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own - Anon.
07. He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory - Anon.
08. He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words - Anon.
09. I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works - Anon.
10. Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident? - Don Rickles
11. She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her. - Anon
12. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? - Anon
13. When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs. - Anon
14. I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly. - Anon
15. Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday. - Anon
16. See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. - Anon
17. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
18. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
19. Are your parents siblings?
20. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
21. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
22. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
23. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
24. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
25. Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
26. Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
27. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
28. Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
29. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
30. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
31. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
32. He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
33. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
34. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
35. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
36. Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
37. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
38. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
39. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
40. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
41. I bet your mother has a loud bark!
42. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
43. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
44. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
45. I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
46. I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
47. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
48. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
49. I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
50. I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
51. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
52. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
53. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
54. I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
55. I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
56. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
57. I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
58. I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
59. If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
60. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
61. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
62. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
63. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
64. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
65. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
66. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
67. Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
68. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
69. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
70. There is no vaccine against stupidity.

4:23 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If that previous post were a car, it'd be an Edsel!

6:34 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: John > I have heard that Churchills's exchange regarding poison was with the Lady Astor. And to add my own favorite to the fantastic list that initiated the post: "just because nobody understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."

6:50 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"30. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds."

This was a heckler's taunt to Australian Prime Minister Menzies during a rally. His even more famous insult in reply was:

"I'll tell them all we both know. It won't take any longer!"

9:44 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, the main reason for having a problem with Chavez is that he is an arse, rather than a foreigner. That's the great thing about America (or Britain, or other first-world democracies) - it is in fact perfectly fine to agree with a foreigner. That is not the case in Chavez' Venezuela, or indeed, in Stalin's Russia. That's why America is great.

2:08 pm  
Anonymous Sam said...

Thanks Reluctant Nomad - and here's the insults quiz! -

http://www.factacular.com/subjects/Insults

2:42 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Thanks.....that quote will come in handy.

2:44 pm  
Anonymous Sam said...

By the way, Farrel -

"He is as wet as a puddle...but not quite as deep!"

... great quote - it's Arthur Smith about Mike Smith

2:50 pm  
Anonymous MW said...

When George W. Bush responded to a question about his greatest accomplishment during his presidency was catching a large Perch, Roy Blount Jr. defended the president with "I think he is right."

3:31 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Egad sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox [syphilis].
That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
John Wilkes to the Earl of Sandwich

Not quite an insult like these but along similar lines:

Clement Attlee [Labour leader who defeated Winston Churchill] ran into Churchill at the urinal in the House of Common's men's room. Churchill stood as far away from Atlee as possible.

"Feeling standoffish today, Winston?" said Atlee.

Replied Churchill: "That's right. Every time you see something big, you want to nationalize it."

4:16 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

New Zealand prime minister Rob Muldoon once said that New Zealanders who leave New Zealand to live in Australia increase the IQ of both countries

12:01 am  
Anonymous Hamish said...

Seeing you makes me think "somewhere, there's a village missing an idiot."

6:12 am  
Anonymous Emad Honarparvar said...

i wonder how politicians reply an insult! by the way, it was great :)

7:11 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The best insult I'd ever heard came from a British show called "Drop the Dead Donkey"...

"That bastard's slimier than a tape-worm's douchebag!"

8:36 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regardless of what you think of the Chavez comment, you can't even begin to compare it to these insults. These insults are gems because they are nuanced, sometimes subtle, and always eloquent. Calling someone the Devil is a crude insult at best regardless of the imagery.

3:16 pm  
Anonymous Hasan said...

“Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?”
Don Rickles, to David Letterman

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
Milton Berle, at a Howard Cosell function

"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin

"She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines."
Jeremy Novick, about Bo Derek

"The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli."
George Bernard Shaw, about Shelley Duvall

"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking."
Rupert Hughes

"Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman."
Maryon Pearson

"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest."
Steven Pearl

"Incidentally, you are a sick fuck."
Madonna, to David Letterman

3:55 pm  
Anonymous Hasan said...

Sorry, the Shelly Duvall insult was by John Simon

3:58 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

spike milligan, when asked why he takes an instant dislike to some people: "because it saves time"

4:43 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And from a book review I once read, "This book fills a much-needed gap."

5:00 pm  
Blogger Reluctant Nomad said...

To Anonymous who asked about attributions: I didn’t compile this list, it was received as an email from a friend. However, most (if not all) of these can be found on various websites. And some are well-known, anyway.

To Anonymous who said that Americans don’t side with foreigners: I’m not an American so that doesn’t apply to me. But, I understand the logic behind what you say even though it’s often not a good policy to follow.

To those of you who mentioned the superiority of Shakespeare: Yes, his insults are brilliant but they don’t really qualify in a post like this one as these are insults said between real people as opposed to being carefully thought out for a work of fiction. Many of these may have been completely spontaneous but many may have been carefully thought out before being said/written.

Farrel: Being a Capetonian myself, I know all about "Jy was deur jou Ma se gat gebore omdat haar poes to besig was" although I’ve heard it said as "Jy was uit jou Ma se hol gebore omdat haar poes to besig was." A brilliant insult in Afrikaans but seems a bit clumsy in English – you’ll see that my latest post is all about it – thanks for reminding me of it.

Obviously Flashman agrees with us on how good an insult it is!

Gareth Stack: Thanks for that great Evelyn Waugh quote.

Sam: You did a good job with that quiz. If you hang around here a bit more, you may yet get more insult fodder for your quiz site.

To all of you who provided more examples of great insults: Thanks, many of them are excellent and I can feel the urge to compile another list of insults.

Before posting these insults, I’d actually started working on a list of additional insults by looking around on the net and was going to post them altogether when I got lazy and posted them as is, ie as I had received them in an email.

5:07 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

here's another

you are the idol of idiot-worshippers.

great insults can be made just by combining a list of words that sound vaguely disgusitng: for example, you piscatorial sot-headed weevil...

12:48 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your web statistics sorted by country indicate who needs the most a definite guide for ARTICULATE insults?
(An interesting first place! btw I am so glad Greece comes after Turkey in something :p)

9:57 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great list! And I agree, more Dorothy Parker, please.

Dunno if it's an insult, but it's certainly damning with faint praise:

For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like.
--Abraham Lincoln

1:00 pm  
Blogger Shitrint said...

nice ones here!
enjoyed reading em!

i think the dialogue between winston churchill and george bernard shaw is actually a dialogue between shaw and g.k. chesterton...

4:36 pm  
Anonymous Peter-Australia said...

A couple more from Robert Menzies:
"One thing about bureaucrats is that they never swallow their young. Leave them alone and you'll find them increasing every year."

Prime minister Sir Robert Menzies asked Sir James, after one of his speeches in the house, how he developed his eloquent style. "By talking to sheep'," Sir James said. Sir Robert replied: "You're still doing it'."

Woman in crowd at election rally: "Menzies, I wouldn't vote for you if you were the archangel Gabriel!"
Robert Menzies: "Madam, if I was the archangel Gabriel you wouldn't be in my electorate."

12:47 am  
Anonymous howdum said...

These are absolutely GREAT!!
Where did you GET all of them?

7:00 pm  
Blogger North said...

from my parents' old neighbor:
"placenta-eating son of a bitch" and "shoulda knocked him on the head and fed a pig with the milk."

11:53 am  
Blogger Kasey said...

"Out of my way, you weak-dicked bastard."

Woman to former spouse who was trying to block her exit at divorce hearing. She got the divorce, btw. :)

11:00 pm  
Anonymous Lela said...

I haven't laughed out loud in a while. your blog made me do this! What gems!! thanks :)

12:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mother, regarding one finalist of Pop Idol:

'She sings almost as well as Helen Keller with tonsilitus.'

My father's reply:

'I wouldn't say that. She'll need quite a bit of training from a voice coach to reach that sort of standard.'


I hope to be just as British as my parents when I grow up!

12:51 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This collection is really amsuing!

2:25 pm  
Anonymous Les said...

In a related vein, if you want to read the master of vicious social commentary, check the quotes of H.L. Mencken (1880-1956):

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institition?"

"A man may be a fool and not know it - but not if he is married."

"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican."

http://watchfuleye.com/mencken.html

3:17 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God for George W. Bush.

4:10 pm  
Blogger brianguyan said...

Just remember, it's not who you are, it's what you wear.

5:59 pm  
Blogger Jeffe said...

Dont know from whence it came, but has been in my meagre mind for years and still my fav put-down;


'You are so low, that a turd at 30 fathoms is a great while cloud."

7:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

"Thank God for George W. Bush."

Bob from USA replies:

I'm not sure who this insult is directed at, since I am constantly reminded of how our poor education system has led the voters of our country to elect such an idiot, and that Americans are widely hated or laughed at around the world.

Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing it's idiot.

6:22 am  
Blogger Draco Chromius said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

4:42 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A few more:

"I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws."
-- Charles Baudelaire

"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't."
-- Woody Allen (from "Curse of the Jade Scorpion")

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it."
-- Groucho Marx

"If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."
-- Dorothy Parker

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain

"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
-- Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper

"Nature, not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write."
-- A. E. Houseman

"He has read everything, and, to his credit, written nothing."
-- A. J. Raffles

7:50 pm  
Blogger catsilvermoon said...

Some of the best insults I have heard are:

"Your brain, sitting on the edge of a razor blade, would look like a bebee pellet rolling down a four lane highway." author unknown

My take on this was: "Your brain, dropped onto a golf ball, would look like a bebee bouncing off the Epcot Center."

I do not remember the source, but I also like: Having a battle of wits with you would be like shooting an unarmed man." to which was then added-"in the back, with a bazooka."

Alluding to the G.W. Bush entries, I like this quote from former Texas Governor Anne Richards about his father: "Poor George, he can't help he was born with a silver foot in his mouth."

Thanks for this list-I had a good laugh. I will definitely be sharing this one.

8:53 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One I use frequently at work. Someone will come to me and ask to speak to me. My response is, "I have 2 minutes. Tell me everything you know, and we'll find something else to do for a minute and 50 seconds."

1:38 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoyed this. LOL. Loved the 'brain' comments - here's a fun one: "If your brain was elastic, there wouldn't be enough for it to stretch around a flea's kneecap"

"You snot-gobbing Son of a Wombat"
Anona Mouse

1:37 am  
Blogger R2K said...

I love it all! : )

10:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From The Point, 1971, "He was liked, but not well liked" regarding the evil count.

5:23 pm  
Blogger The Sanity Inspector said...

"A human toothache"
-- Jonah Goldberg, on Al Gore

11:07 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." --Louis Nizer

Thanks for this post, Reluctant Nomad (and nice to find your blog).

My sister used to call people "You flat-footed, guano-gutted fewmet face" - an insult I cherish.

This one won my blog's insult of the year award - as you say, it's in fiction so it has an advantage, but I love it deeply nonetheless:

“Oh! You double-distilled villain! May the most refined, ornamental, double-rectified, super-extra, and original collection of curses that ever was gathered into a single nosegay of ill-fortune shine in the button-hole of your conscience! I denounce you as a double-minded villain, a finished, hot-pressed knave, in comparison of whom all the other knaves I ever knew, attorneys included, are honest men! I brand you as the pearl of cheats, a tip-top take-in. I denounce you, I say again, for the villainous treatment I have received at your hands in this most untoward and unfortunate transaction between us, for unfortunate, in every sense, is he that has anything to do with such a prime and finished imposter!”

(The Devil to Bill Dawson, in the tale “The Three Wishes,” collected and translated by W. Carelton in Yeats’ Irish Fairy and Folk Tales)

Great stuff, thanks!

5:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome list!!! I'd like to add one from my best friend regarding prisoners complaining of poor acommodations in jail/prison: Just remember, he didn't get arrested for singing too loud in church.

Thanks for the great insults!!!!!

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Neil, Mae West was no woman; she was a broad, loved being it and doing it.

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Many years ago, I was attacked, in writing, by a fellow club member, on letterhead stationary that his wife had legitimate access to as a board member. After demanding, in writing, to the Board as to who authorized his use of our letterhead, I ripped him up one side, then down the other, dismembered him of all six appendages and then was able to conclude that he was "rude, crude and socially unacceptable". This was a phrase that I had heard half a lifetime before and then delighted to be able to use. After the Board, including (and probably especially) his wife landed on him, he was most apologetic. Ahhh, fun with words.

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Blogger auntiegrav said...

LMAO!! The additions and the quotes were wonderful, I thank you all. I just have to say, though, that if someone tries to use these ideas on me, I will respond with the neoclassic, "You are such a fucking idiot. Why don't you just shut the hell up?"

Sorry, I'm crude, but sometimes it's all those college-educated fools will understand. That, and a heavy stick upside the head.

Thank a god for technology.
Well, here's one from the Navy that isn't crude:
"It's a good thing your parents forgot to give you a brain, because you would just take it out and play with it."

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How about: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits!"?

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These comments are like meteors. About 50-60 hit Earth everyday, because Earth is in the way.

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my all-time favorite came from an anonymous and frustrated book borrower.

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the wicked borrower scribbled under it: "but, alas, not how to write!"

touche!

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