Friday, September 30, 2005

Best religious jokes

Yesterday's Guardian carried an article by Emo Philips lamenting the fact that he hadn't been credited for creating the joke that recently won Ship of Fool's competition to determine the 'best God joke ever'. The joke has been around for a long while so you may have heard it before. It's clever, and very funny:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


Ship of Fools is a Christian website, "the magazine of Christain unrest", that aims to promote clever debate far removed from conserative Christianity. They launched the competition in response to the British government's proposed anti-religious hatred legislation. This is the winner of 'the most offensive joke':

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"


The top ten jokes in each category can be found here.

At the end of the Guardian article, Elmo Philips lists a few more of his religious jokes:
  • When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
  • So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."
  • A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
  • I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
  • When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster

2 Comments:

Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

I like Emo.... what a riot! I like the first joke and the mormon joke.

5:39 am  
Blogger Reluctant Nomad said...

You aren't a lawyer are you? This joke has been doing the rounds:

Research laboratories are using lawyers instead of rats, the three main reasons being that lawyers are more plentiful, that lab assistants don’t get attached to them, and that there are some things a rat will not do.

11:41 am  

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